It's a dreary day here...perfect I guess for Valentine's Day. No valentine and a few things in my life are a bit messed up right now. Ah, hell, who am I trying to fool? Things are pretty fucked up between Deborah and me. I admit fault to some of it but I don't know if she's willing to take her share of blame, as if she ever really has. I haven't heard from her in about a week and what I did hear saddened me greatly. Friends are supposed to be people who will stick by you and talk to you and be there for you no matter what happens to you or what you do. And if they have a problem with any of that, then they should tell you instead of simply vanishing without a word. That hurts more than any words she could ever say. What kind of friend abandons you when you need them the most? A friend who isn't really a friend.
All this because of something I did--not to her, but to someone who I now consider much closer to myself than she is. I didn't even really do what I told her I was going to do, and yet still she shuns me. Of course I did do something else, which I feel bad for doing but don't regret, and I told Kevin that I did it. We were both hurt by it but we made it through better and stronger and because of what I did, he came to see me. I'd do it all over again just for that wonderful week that he gave me. Who knows when I would've ever seen him?
And still, she doesn't talk to me.
Not once have I ever ignored her or refused to be with her because of something that Deborah's done that I considered wrong. Those of you who know both of us know that.
I understand the need to think...but what is there to think about, really? You tell me.
This is my journal so of course I'm saying whatever the hell I want, but I've spoken nothing but the truth...as I see it and as I've been told.
Once again...happy valentine's day everyone.
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groggy
gloomy
exhausted
horny
full
contemplative
loved
rushed
melancholy